House of Frank part three

When I left you on House of Frank part two I was describing the cast of characters that made up this soap opera of a restaurant so let me continue.

When I left you on part two I was describing the cast of characters who made up this soap opera of a restaurant so let's continue.

There was this old Hispanic dude named Freddy who had worked there for years.  He had thick rimmed glasses, balding, graying hair on the top of his head and had the physical appearance that he had a hard life. His walk was a bit "off" which, if I remember correctly was from a car accident years earlier but I can't remember for sure. He kind of moved at his own, comfortable pace.  He also drove like that and if you got stuck behind him on the five mile, single lane road that led to the highway you had better be prepared to drive at a leisurely pace.  The bastard wouldn't even let you pass if you tried to.

What I remember most about him was that he was missing half of one of his fingers and we used to tease him. Instead of motioning to do a high five, saying "Gimmie five!" We used to hold one finger down, only holding four up and say "Dame quattro!" Which means "Gimmie four" in Spanish.  He didn't like that at all but it was friggin' hilarious.  Yes, kitchen staff are harsh people.  

Hispanic men are, generally speaking, more macho than the American men.  For example, homosexuality is not as accepted in the Hispanic culture.  Having said that, one thing I never understood about Hispanics in the kitchen is why they are always grabbing ass. I mean that literally. I have worked in some kitchens were it was to the point that anytime someone waked behind you, you would turn and face them to protect your ass from being grabbed. These were not homosexual Hispanics I am referring to but it kind of contradicts the culture. 

William, the pastry chef at this restaurant would grab or gently tap your genitals as he walked by.  He did teach me a neat trick though.  If you go up behind a guy with a medium sized ladle, put that thing between his legs to where the cup of the ladle covers the genital area and pull backwards with force, that person has to move wherever you take them.

Another thing I remember about Freddy is what he did to this kid named Brian.  Brian was one of four gringos working in that kitchen including me. At the time he was just 18, but a very immature 18.

He was more like the kid who goes and runs to mommy if the other kids teased him so we used to give him shit all the time. He also didn't use his head.  I remember one time he came late to work because he ran out of gas in his car.  The chef didn't even give him a hard time because he knew Brian was a moron. One of the guys in the kitchen said, "hey Brian, you know the letter 'E' on your gas gauge?  Well 'E' doesn't mean enough, it means empty you dumb fuck!" The entire kitchen erupted in laughter.

To get to my point, Brian saw all the Hispanic dudes grabbin ass so he decided to start doing the same thing.  What he didn't learn is you can't just walk up to anyone and pull that shit.  This is where he just didn't have any common sense. If you want to joke with people, you have to know who jokes around  and who doesn't. He started doing that shit to Freddy and he made it clear to Brian that he didn't like it. Brian, being hard headed and stupid didn't listen after Freddy had told him not to touch his ass a number of times.

One day Brian grabbed Freddy's ass as he walked by and tried to blame someone else but Freddy knew and he told Brian to watch out as he had enough. That night after work we were all down in the locker room changing. Freddy waited until Brian got his pants down around his ankles then came up behind him and wrapped one of his legs around Brian's then put him in a half Nelson. He then started violently dry-humping Brian asking him, "you want to grab culo (ass in Spanish) pendejo? (like asshole in Spanish), now I am raping your culo! You like it maricon? (gay in Spanish), You like it maricon? I am gonna make you my bitch!"

We were all in tears laughing and I was at the point to where my stomach was hurting from laughter. Poor, weak maricon Brian was struggling to get away but he couldn't as Freddy overpowered him and just kept humping away for at least a good minute. Imagine watching two dogs mate and the female is trying to get away but can't because the male is stronger than her and stuck in her....it was like that.

What was also funny (and a bit scary) was the look on Freddy's face.  I think he was actually enjoying it. For any of you who have seen a porno movie (not that I ever have) you have probably noticed some of the faces the male actors make while they are engaged in the act; that was Freddy as he was on that barely legal, 18 year-old gringo. It also reminded me of the faces some of these guitar players make while soloing. It is like a cross between constipation, orgasm and a paper cut between the webbing of your fingers.   

I remember telling Freddy "hey man you still got some moves for an old fella!" He promptly told me to "go F_ _ K myself."

I can honestly say that is one of the funniest memories I have from working in kitchens but there are plenty more so stay tuned.

The irony of being a chef

For those of you who want to know what it is like being a chef here it is in a nutshell.

I'm staring at all the containers of food in my kitchen wondering what the hell to eat. It is my nightly ritual that goes on for about 10 minutes or so as I stand there with a blank stare like a deer in headlights. I compare it to going on a shopping spree. There is all this food which is free for the taking but I just don’t know what I want. Everything looks good but at the same time nothing looks good. It is a culinary form of torture. I am pacing, talking to myself. “That leftover chicken over there looks good. No, no, no there is some leftover lasagna from the buffet, that sounds better. On second thought we just got some nice cheese in. Damn, I just can't make up my mind.” It isn't that I am super hungry but know that I need to eat if I want my body to keep functioning.

What normally ends up happening after all that indecision is you get fed up and end up just leaving work on an empty stomach and then go to the bar have a few (or more) cocktails. Plus, drinking on an empty stomach makes the booze work quicker. There is a logic to it.

Scraps of food lying around are the staple chefs diet. Chefs are more like bottom-feeders. When there is some type of sliced, roasted beef on the menu, those end cuts are the ones that everyone goes for. Seeing chefs scrambling for those delectable scraps of meat is like watching Animal Planet when lions fight over a zebra carcass.

I liken a day in the kitchen to a race. Once you start, you are off and running, meeting the relentless demands on your time which usually make eating more of an inconvenience than a thing of pleasure. As hunger settles in you fill that void with empty calories such as coffee or soda and tell yourself you will eat later, which of course never comes. That is the beauty of empty calories. When I need a quick bite to eat (which is almost always) the pastry kitchen is a sure bet. There are always croissants, muffins, cookies and many other baked goods ready for the taking. Pick it up and eat. Convenience is the name of the game.

You see, chefs spend huge amounts of money sourcing and utilising the best products money can buy for their guests, going to great lengths to provide the most memorable dining experience but they treat their stomachs like trash cans. Even the smallest effort is too much for a chef to feed him or herself. Hell man I don't even want to make toast. I imagine my stomach looks more like a colander at this point.

People are under this misconception that chefs are always eating gourmet meals. It reminds me of an occasion that happened the other night. I was in a bar talking to a fine young lady and she asked what I do. “I am a chef.” I replied. 

Her eyes lit up immediately as if she won the lottery. “Really, I would love to be your girlfriend, I bet you cook gourmet meals for your girlfriend all the time.” 

Since I had the hots for her I did what was necessary. I lied.

“Sure I love cooking for girlfriends. If you were my girlfriend we would have gourmet meals and fine wine every night.”

Of course as this conversation progressed my nose was growing an inch a minute. 

“What would you cook for me?” She asked. 

I thought for a second and said. “How about we start with an effervescent Moscato di asti as an aperitif and then we will move on to an tantalising appetiser of sautéed Moroccan spiced prawns and blah blah blah blah.” I could see her going off to never land, mouth watering as if she had a culinary epiphany. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I eat only delivery and take out food.

There have been times when people found out what I actually eat and they had this look of disbelief in their face as if they found out the surgeon general smokes cigarettes.

I don't even have a plate or cutlery in my apartment. What do I need them for? Take out and delivery food always comes with them. The only reason I have glasses is because it is hard to drink from your hands and since I am not a dog I don't drink from the toilet. Hell, I don't even need a kitchen. Going from cooking in a professional kitchen to cooking in a home kitchen is like going from watching colour TV to black and white TV. You can do it but it but most of all it is just frustrating. The kitchen cupboards are used to store take out and delivery menus. I have enough of them that I can wallpaper my apartment and when it comes time to eat at home I have the same dilemma that I do at work. I can't figure out what to eat. I just sift through menu after menu deciding what I want.

When I think about how chefs dislike cooking for themselves and how they neglect their own diet it makes me wonder about other professions. Do doctors neglect their own health? Do comedians only watch drama at home? Do accountants have trouble balancing their own check books? What about housekeepers? Is their house a mess? What about Actors? What about hookers?

People are often afraid to cook for me because I'm a chef. They always think it won’t be good enough. I work 6 days a week, 12 or more hours per day so I am happy to have a meal I didn’t have to cook. It doesn’t even have to be great. Hell I will settle for edible. The times that someone cooks for me are so rare that when it does happen it feels more like a Christmas gift. That’s why the only time I enjoy eating is when I don't have to cook it. So for any of you reading out there who want to cook for me, let me know the time and place and I am there! If you like you can FEDEX me some food.  

I wish there was a pill to take so I wouldn't have to cook for myself. There was an episode of the Jetsons where Elroy was having lunch and Mrs. Jetson was feeding him food tablets. They were tablets that gave the same taste experience and nutrition of the food they represented. Pizza tablets, omelette tablets, peanut butter and jelly tablets, etc. Can we fast forward to that point now?

What to expect when going to cook in a restaurant

What to expect when going to cook in a restaurant

I have found that a number of people who want to be a chef fall into one of three categories. Ask yourself which of these you fall under before deciding to be a chef.

1. If you are one of those many people who want to be a chef because you think being a chef is a glamorous profession due to its heightened popularity then forget it. Do something else.

2. If you are under the delusion that just because you are a great home cook means you can work in a professional kitchen, do something else. Going from cooking in a home kitchen to a professional kitchen is like going from playing football on your X box to playing professional football.
   
   
3. If you have a genuine passion for food and cooking, have a great work ethic, great attitude, hunger for knowledge, are determined, disciplined and not afraid of being bent over (so to speak) and verbally “violated” on a daily basis then a kitchen is the place for you. Oh, I almost forgot. I hope you like working long, gruelling hours, weekends, nights, holidays, stress, pressure, hard, physical labor, the potential that you will abuse alcohol or some illegal substance, sweat and finally, if you decide to start a family while working as a chef, you will most likely see your kids grow up through photographs. If you still want to be a chef, then read on.

There is a parallel between sports teams and kitchens. They are both physically and mentally demanding, require teamwork, common goal(s), discipline, organization, camaraderie, hard work and thick skin.

That saying, “a chain is only as strong as its weakest link,” is personified in both environments. Everyone must play their part. If the guard doesn't block his opponent the quarterback can get sacked and the entire play can be sabotaged. If one cook doesn't have his food ready when the others do, it can delay the entire table. If one table is delayed, it can delay other tables, possibly and consequently ruining the whole lunch or dinner service.

When you are new in either environment you need to prove yourself. You may catch some flack but take your blows, keep your head up and once you prove yourself you are part of the team. There is strong competition to get the starting spots on a sports team or the higher spots in a kitchen. If you don't perform, you can get bumped down a notch. Mistakes are often handled the same. On my high school football team I dropped a pass once and didn't live it down for a week. I once burned 10 pounds of apple butter at work and my nickname for the rest of the week was “apple butter.”

Every kitchen is different. A mom and pop or small, free-standing establishment will most likely be more laid back and less structured. In corporate environments such as hotels or restaurant chains you can usually expect more rules and higher professionalism. The higher the calibre the kitchen, the more demanding, more pressure and harder it is to work in. Five star establishments are run more like the military. With higher prices come higher expectations so you certainly can't expect to deliver those standards in a lackadaisical type environment.

The biggest difference between free-standing and corporate establishments is human resources. Free standing establishments don't have a human resources department that oversees and regulates how everyone is treating each other. In a corporate environment you would never see someone treat people the way Gordon Ramsay does on TV and get away with it. As an employee you have more of a 'voice' in a corporate environment. That is not to say that every chef in a free-standing establishment is a screaming lunatic. That would be unfair and just not accurate. The culinary world has changed. Employee rights have gotten stronger over the years and you don't see as much of that “old school” mentality of breaking people down to teach them.

Have you ever notice how sometimes professional football players perform well on one team but not so well on another? That is because every team has a different system or way of doing things. A player may fit well in one system but not so well in another and it has nothing to do with the player's skill. Same thing goes for kitchens. You may fit well in one kitchen but not so well in another and it may have nothing to do with your skill level.

The single most important thing any chef will look for when hiring a potential employee is a great attitude. You can teach anything to someone with a great attitude but you can't teach anything to someone with a poor attitude. A stellar attitude will make up for some other shortcomings you may have.

Any good chef , like a personal trainer, will push you beyond your limits to not only see what you are made of, but to make sure they are getting the best out of you that they can. It is their job.

Anyone can maintain a consistent, positive attitude when things are great but how about when things are not going so great? Let me paint you a picture. It is the middle of the dinner rush and your head is spinning with confusion trying to keep track of the 10 orders you have cooking at once. You keep going over the orders in your head, “OK this steak is medium-rare, this one is sauce side, this one no butter, oh shit gotta get that lamb shank out of the oven before it burns and I gotta get that veal chop on the fire.”

The chef then yells, “Where is that fucking steak?! Can I get it sometime before Christmas?! You are moving too fucking slow god dammit!” The chef screaming at you only makes you more nervous and you feel like you are in quicksand. The harder you work the more you feel like you are being pulled under and it only causes you to make mistakes. While trying to juggle all those orders at once you are having thoughts in your head of strangling the hostess because she sat too many people at once and you are, as we say in the restaurant business, “in the weeds” which means you have more than you can handle. Add to the mayhem the rush of adrenaline surging through your body is making your hands shake which doesn't make plating those intricate garnishes any easier.

From my experience I have found that up scale, free-standing restaurants will teach you better culinary skills and corporate establishments will teach you better management skills. There are always exceptions to every rule but as my old mentor once told me, “I don't know many of those old-school mentality, screaming chefs who can't cook well but I do know many corporate chefs with great management skills who can't cook at all.”

How to be a better cook

OK all, here is a piece I wrote for a writer's website.  It is for all you home cooks out there so enjoy and give me your feedback.

Happy cooking

How to be a better cook.

I find a bit of humor when a guest who I cooked for asks me in disbelief, “how did you do that, it was amazing?” Like I won the Fields medal or broke some encrypted message and hacked into the Department of Defense's computer system. Cooking is not rocket science. If it was, I wouldn't be doing it.

Learning to cook is like learning mathematics or a musical instrument. You must have a strong foundation of the basics in order to proceed to more advanced calculations or techniques. Those basic skills are the foundation to build upon.

The best way to retain any technical skill(s) is by repetition and reinforcement. When you practice something, don't try it once and practice it again a month later for you won't retain the skill(s). Practice the same thing as many times a week depending on your budget and time restraints.

Focus on the areas that need improvement using as many resources as you can to improve your skills and knowledge. There are countless cookbooks and plenty of culinary websites. Some sites even have forums which are great for seeking advice from others. Also, don't be afraid to ask the chef of one of your favorite restaurants for any tips provided he or she is not busy. I have found most chefs are happy to give advice when asked.

Before proceeding on your culinary journey you must determine your goals. Do you want to learn a few dishes? Do you want to host formal dinner parties? Do you want to bake bread?

From those goals you need to create a plan.

Tailor your plan to suit your needs. If you don't like rice, then skip it. If you plan on cooking mostly Asian food then focus on that. Whatever your goals may be, make sure you are cooking what you enjoy to eat. It will feel more rewarding.

Here are two examples of plans. They both focus on the principle of repetition by spending a week on each lesson.

1. General knowledge

Week 1-green vegetable cookery and poaching

Week 2-Sautéing meat, poultry and fish and cooking varieties of rice

Week 3-Roasting of meats and vegetables

Week 4-Egg cookery

Etc. etc.

2. Asian cooking

Week 1-Stir fries

Week 2-Curries

Week 3-Desserts

Week 4-Appetizers

Etc., etc.

Now that you have your plan you need to get everything together. Get only high quality ingredients. You cannot create a good dish out of bad ingredients. You can cover up certain shortcomings to a certain extent but in the end it will show. Treat the food with respect. Don't buy the best quality tomatoes you can find to make a tomato salad only to cover them up with ranch dressing.

Do you have all of your basic cooking equipment and utensils? Use the right tool for the job. If you want to learn to make stir fry properly then everything I am telling you about execution and mastering the basics will be pointless if you don't have a wok or decent sauté pan. Cookbooks often have a section dedicated to what you should keep in your kitchen for the recipes contained within.

Be careful with seasoning. Remember add a little at a time. You can always add more but you can't take it out. While seasoning, taste the dish in stages if possible. You have to develop your palate through constant tasting. Most of us are born with the ability to hear but your average person does not hear like a professional musician does because our ears are not trained to. The same is true with your palate. Be aware of your personal biases. If you like salt then use a little less when cooking for others. While practicing your cookery techniques it is always good to have someone else taste as well.

I always recommend purchasing a culinary textbook that is used in culinary schools. It will cover all the basics and give you the skills needed to build upon for more advanced cooking. Don't dive right in to complicated and advanced recipes. Start with simple recipes. You must walk before you can run. Nobody will care how creative your dish is if the chicken is undercooked. When I was learning to play guitar I attempted songs that were above my skill level and I would get frustrated easily and sometimes wanted to quit. I then changed my approach and practiced songs better suited to my skill level, had greater success and enjoyed it more. I learned that for any technical skill that takes time, effort and patience to develop, it is important that you are seeing the fruits of your labor along the way or you will get frustrated as I did with the guitar in my formative years. In other words, focus on your successes.

Regarding recipes, use common sense and judgment as they are sometimes wrong. Don't follow any recipe in blind faith. If a recipe tells you to cook something at 350F for two hours and you see it is getting too dark after an hour than turn the oven down. The oven and equipment you are using in your kitchen is most likely different than what was used in the kitchen where they tested the recipes you are attempting. With that said, know your equipment. Do you know where the hot spots are in your oven?

When it comes to creating your own dishes I suggest this approach. First get comfortable with a recipe(s) and then start to come up with your own variations. Remember you can make beef stew and add more carrots or other vegetables if you like and it will still be a beef stew. You cannot do that when it comes to baking and pastry because the ingredients work together creating chemical reactions to produce the end result. Just because you want a loaf of bread to be lighter doesn't mean you can just throw in some extra yeast.

In closing, I will sum up what cooking is to me in one sentence. “Do the simple things but do them well.” I will reiterate it all goes back to basics and proper execution of technique. If you can learn and abide by that, it will serve you well.