Saturday, October 30, 2010

House of Frank part three

When I left you on House of Frank part two I was describing the cast of characters that made up this soap opera of a restaurant so let me continue.

When I left you on part two I was describing the cast of characters who made up this soap opera of a restaurant so let's continue.

There was this old Hispanic dude named Freddy who had worked there for years.  He had thick rimmed glasses, balding, graying hair on the top of his head and had the physical appearance that he had a hard life. His walk was a bit "off" which, if I remember correctly was from a car accident years earlier but I can't remember for sure. He kind of moved at his own, comfortable pace.  He also drove like that and if you got stuck behind him on the five mile, single lane road that led to the highway you had better be prepared to drive at a leisurely pace.  The bastard wouldn't even let you pass if you tried to.

What I remember most about him was that he was missing half of one of his fingers and we used to tease him. Instead of motioning to do a high five, saying "Gimmie five!" We used to hold one finger down, only holding four up and say "Dame quattro!" Which means "Gimmie four" in Spanish.  He didn't like that at all but it was friggin' hilarious.  Yes, kitchen staff are harsh people.  

Hispanic men are, generally speaking, more macho than the American men.  For example, homosexuality is not as accepted in the Hispanic culture.  Having said that, one thing I never understood about Hispanics in the kitchen is why they are always grabbing ass. I mean that literally. I have worked in some kitchens were it was to the point that anytime someone waked behind you, you would turn and face them to protect your ass from being grabbed. These were not homosexual Hispanics I am referring to but it kind of contradicts the culture. 

William, the pastry chef at this restaurant would grab or gently tap your genitals as he walked by.  He did teach me a neat trick though.  If you go up behind a guy with a medium sized ladle, put that thing between his legs to where the cup of the ladle covers the genital area and pull backwards with force, that person has to move wherever you take them.

Another thing I remember about Freddy is what he did to this kid named Brian.  Brian was one of four gringos working in that kitchen including me. At the time he was just 18, but a very immature 18.
He was more like the kid who goes and runs to mommy if the other kids teased him so we used to give him shit all the time. He also didn't use his head.  I remember one time he came late to work because he ran out of gas in his car.  The chef didn't even give him a hard time because he knew Brian was a moron. One of the guys in the kitchen said, "hey Brian, you know the letter 'E' on your gas gauge?  Well 'E' doesn't mean enough, it means empty you dumb fuck!" The entire kitchen erupted in laughter.

To get to my point, Brian saw all the Hispanic dudes grabbin ass so he decided to start doing the same thing.  What he didn't learn is you can't just walk up to anyone and pull that shit.  This is where he just didn't have any common sense. If you want to joke with people, you have to know who jokes around  and who doesn't. He started doing that shit to Freddy and he made it clear to Brian that he didn't like it. Brian, being hard headed and stupid didn't listen after Freddy had told him not to touch his ass a number of times.

One day Brian grabbed Freddy's ass as he walked by and tried to blame someone else but Freddy knew and he told Brian to watch out as he had enough. That night after work we were all down in the locker room changing. Freddy waited until Brian got his pants down around his ankles then came up behind him and wrapped one of his legs around Brian's then put him in a half Nelson. He then started violently dry-humping Brian asking him, "you want to grab culo (ass in Spanish) pendejo? (like asshole in Spanish), now I am raping your culo! You like it maricon? (gay in Spanish), You like it maricon? I am gonna make you my bitch!"
We were all in tears laughing and I was at the point to where my stomach was hurting from laughter. Poor, weak maricon Brian was struggling to get away but he couldn't as Freddy overpowered him and just kept humping away for at least a good minute. Imagine watching two dogs mate and the female is trying to get away but can't because the male is stronger than her and stuck in her....it was like that.

What was also funny (and a bit scary) was the look on Freddy's face.  I think he was actually enjoying it. For any of you who have seen a porno movie (not that I ever have) you have probably noticed some of the faces the male actors make while they are engaged in the act; that was Freddy as he was on that barely legal, 18 year-old gringo. It also reminded me of the faces some of these guitar players make while soloing. It is like a cross between constipation, orgasm and a paper cut between the webbing of your fingers.   

I remember telling Freddy "hey man you still got some moves for an old fella!" He promptly told me to "go F_ _ K myself."
I can honestly say that is one of the funniest memories I have from working in kitchens but there are plenty more so stay tuned.

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